All Zoomed Out

I have thoroughly enjoyed catching up with so many people over this MCO (refer to my last post) period.

A morning chat with a dear friend in Chicago; a much-needed catch up with a friend who lives nearby who I usually see at least twice a week; calls with various colleagues for workout sessions and much-needed academic planning time; several group calls with 'Different Directions' (seeing as we all went in diff directions after college) playing all sorts of nonsense incl. Family Style (10/10 recommend!); bible studies with friends from church and students from college; Saturday Breakfast Club at 5pm with friends from the UK; calls home to 'eat meals' and play games with the family, and of course, Sunday services...

...all because Zoom has made this possible. I am so grateful for this communication that has made peanuts of the distance between us.

Yet, I am all zoomed out.

I am coming to the realisation that virtual communication is by no means a replacement for face-to-face meetings. They are not equivalent.

And even if they were, would I schedule 4 meet-ups with 4 groups of friends on one fateful Saturday - no!! Yet, that's where I found myself last Saturday. Delighted, truly delighted, to catch up with old friends, but exhausted after call #2, bracing myself for the rest of them. My housemate watched amazed as I went from one call to the next, making a pitstop in the kitchen!

Reflecting about this with a friend after church (over Zoom, ironically) helped me to realise my own foolishness. I have been taking on far more than I can handle; all these calls haven't even factored in all the hours of online teaching and tutoring I do in a week! It's no wonder I'm tired, my eyes hurt and I just feel like I have no time to do anything. Of course, speaking with friends is a wonderful AND productive thing to do. But as my days have consisted of mostly just that, it has proven so difficult to get all the other things on my to-do list done.

This leaves me feeling tired and unproductive, feeling oozes of guilt for all the things left undone. Full days partnered with feelings of inefficiency aren't great. Self-judgement and self-loathing are strong on days like that too.

In a time of self-isolation, I didn't expect life to feel so crowded.

So I've been trying to take a step back from calls this week, limiting how many people I am arranging to speak with. Or at the very least, I've been reminding myself that they will take a bit out of me, and that's okay.

I must emphasise, to all the people I've called in the last few weeks, I love you! I have loved talking with you! And I would love to talk to you again soon! But I'm also taking a pause from initiating those calls and conversations, giving myself time to be away from the screen and more present where I am, more present to spend time with God, and building on that relationship.

P.S. As I was giving this a final look-through, I got distracted and went on Facebook to see a friend has asked if I'd be able to call this week. Man, I really am so overwhelmed with gratitude for all you wonderful people that care to catch up with me, truly I'm so thankful. Uh but also that means I've got another call booked in for this week⁠— oops :D